A Humorous take on Romans 7

Key: NCT=New Covenant Theology; CT=Covenant Theology. The reader can substitute Dispensational Theology (DT) for CT if he so wishes.

Romans 7

 ¹ Do you not know, brothers—for I am speaking to those who meet in New Covenant churches—that a false hermeneutic has authority over someone only as long as that person reads CT?  For example, by devotion a man is bound to Michael Horton as long as he reads him.  3.  So, if he reads another theologian while possessing Horton's works, he is called a double-minded man. But if Horton's works are binned, the reader is released from that commitment, and is not double-minded man if he reads another theology, say, of Fred Zaspel (or Tom Wells, for that matter- whatever takes your fancy really). So, my NCT brothers, you also are free to belong to a different theology through the writings of NC theologians, who were raised unto theological heights, in order that we might study NCT. ⁵ For when we were in the realm of the Westminster Confession of Faith, a false hermeneutic aroused by CT was at work in us, so that we had severe brain-freeze. ⁶ But now, by burning the books that once bound us, we have been released from CT, so that we read in the new way of NCT and not in the old way of obsolete writings.

 ⁷ What shall we say, then? Is a "covenant" theologically wrong? Certainly not! Nevertheless, I would not have known what poor theology was had it not been for CT. For I would not have known what was fleshly works had not  CT said, "works do not save."  ⁸ But hermeneutical forces, seizing the opportunity afforded by CT, produced in me every kind of inaccurate theology. For apart from CT, theological liberalism was unknown. ⁹ Once I was knowledgeable apart from the CT; but when its hermeneutic came, ignorance sprang to life and I was bound by a draconian hermeneutic. ¹⁰ I found that the very hermeneutic that was intended to bring liberating knowledge actually brought blinding ignorance. ¹¹ For poor theology, seizing the opportunity afforded by the hermeneutic, deceived me, and through the hermeneuitc put me to sleep theologically. ¹² So then, the covenant is accurate, and hermeneutics is a necessity, accurate, and good.

¹³ Did that which is good, then, become ignorance to me? By no means! Nevertheless, in order that the hermeneutic might be exposed as false, CT used what is good to bring about my ignorance, so that through its hermeneutic inaccurate theology might be exposed unto the last page.

 ¹⁴ We know that the covenant is spiritual; but I am of CT, sold as a slave to a false hermeneutic. ¹⁵ I do not understand what I read. For what I want to read  (Zaspel's writings), I do not read, but what I hate (say, the Westminster Confession), I read. ¹⁶And if I read what I do not want to read, I agree that the covenant is good. ¹⁷ As it is, it is no longer I myself who reads, but it CT living in me. ¹⁸ For I know that NCT itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my inner reader. For I have the desire to read what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹ For I do not read the good books I want to read, but the trash I do not want to read—this I keep on reading (what the blazes, dude!). ²⁰ Now if I read what I do not want to read, it is no longer I who read it, but it is CT living in me that reads it.

 ²¹ So I find this covenant at work: Although I want to read good stuff, drivel is right there with me. ²² For in my inner reader I delight in NCT; ²³ but I see another covenant at work in me, blinding me by words to the new covenant of my mind and making me a dyslexic prisoner to CT at work within me. ²⁴ What a wretched reader I am! Who will rescue me from this dyslexic prisoner that is bound by ignorance? ²⁵ Thanks be for NCT, for it delivers me through the writings of a godly hermeneutic!   So then, I myself in my in my inner reader am a devotee to NCT, but in my my uneducated mind a devotee to CT.